Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Back in Jack

Ayyyyyy, yes..I have been gone for quite a long while. What was I up to you ask? Out on the seven seas? Locked in a closet for 3 months meditating with Rivers Cuomo, perhaps?

I am not going to reveal these answers to ye scurvy knaves, but I will say that it involved three buckets of popcorn shrimp and did not involve watching a Hogan Knows Best marathon while cursing at all the Renaissance Fair types that have been complaining about the Captain Jack Sparrometer.

Now that that is out of the way, I would just like to note that it is ol' Hallow's Eve and that there may well be an influx of new Sparrows! I can smell it in the wind...

P.S. This was the best that a google image search had for "Captain Jack-o-Lantern"....

Monday, July 31, 2006

Captain Jack Sparrow the Hun

Captain Jack Sparrometer: 4/10

Arrrr mateys! The Legend of Sparrow the Hun has been passed down verbally from generation to generation at the Pirates of The Caribbean booth at the Comic-Con. This is the first time it has ever been put into print....

A husky group of Elite Hun Ninjas stole Sparrow from his ship. At first he did not take to his captors kindly, singing anti-hun songs from Mulan and using vulgar euphemisms about his "cutlass". But soon, just as Paul Walker did in the Fast and the Furious before him, he became close friends with his enemies. The ruthless Huns even gave him honorary Hun armor making the only part of Sparrow the Hun's clothing that looked the least bit like Sparrow did in the movies his trusty compass.

Well there it is, my half baked excuse for why this Sparrow has such a terrible costume. I wonder if they have a popcorn shrimp booth at the Comic-Con......

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The Single Beard Roper

Captain Jack Sparrometer: 4/10

"Yo, yo, yo, I'm next to a cannon, in a dirty old castle. That makes me a bloodthirsty pirate, fools!"

Even more disturbing than his giant single beard rope, and the fact that he is wearing a sparkling golden cloth is the way that the single beard rope is seamlessly attached to his chin. Could he possibly be creepy enough to actually grow the beard rope? Well, he was creepy enough to make that costume and go pose next to a cannon so I'm betting 50 dubloons on yes.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

"Don't take my magic treasure!"

Captain Jack Sparrometer: 1/10

I pose this pirate question.

What would ye do if this Readbearded "Sparrow" with a red book sock on his head woke up in a drunken stupor and started shaking you screaming, "don't take my magic treasure, don't take my magic treasure or they'll send me to the locker room!"

I'd go get a treasure chest full of steaming popcorn shrimp.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


Ayy...mateys I would like to make a heartfelt apology to all ye bilge rats that check my site. For I was on a week long cruise of the Caribbean (pillaging and plundering included in the price, quite a nice deal, 300 gold dubloons.) But, I'm back now so....here she goes.

By the way, check out this cursed tattoo this guy named 'Pirate Ted' gave me.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The Legendary Pirate of Long John Silver's

Captain Jack Sparrometer: 0.5/10

Jumpin' Jack Sparrow! I think this is that creepy guy that cleans the bathroom at Long John Silver's! I recommend all of you stay as far away as possible from this dude.

I mean, this dude has actually drawn on chest hair with a magic marker because he wasn't piratey enough to have it billowing out of his shirt. And what's with the beard ropes on a string, I sure hope he didn't get that at Long John Silver's too. I might have to give back my Golden Dubloon Member's Card. I could pick up some popcorn shrimp while I'm there.....

I just hope this guy has sailed far, far away from LJS's before I get there.

Monday, July 17, 2006

The Gyspy King

Jack Sparrometer: 4.5/10

"Ello!! I am Captain Jack! Velcome to my Annual Renaissance Fair!", is what the imposter said before Captain Jack's cutlass sliced off his double beard ropes. On second thought, I'm not sure that Captain Jack, or any seaworthy bilge rat would want to go anywhere near this guy or his Renaissance fair. He's simply...creepy...and greasy.....and his hands are a good five shades lighter than his face. Hey, look on the bright side, at least he's got the most fanciful black coat with Falcor from The Neverending Story on it that we have ever seen on this site.

By the way, he only got 3/10 instead of 1/10 because you can see a red pirate ship in the background. Yup, them pirate ships are worth 2 on the Sparrometer.

Fred Flinstone Vest 2: Electric Sparrow Boogaloo

Captain Jack Sparrometer: 1/10

Well folks, it looks like we've got a battle royale going on here between the two major factions of Bad Captain Jack Sparrow Costumery: The Queens of the Fred Flinstone Vest Age and The Gay Blue Vests. And it looks like the Freddy Boys might be pulling ahead in the worst costume department with this offering.

It never really crossed my shrimp filled mind that some salty dog could ever create a worse Jack Sparrow costume using a cavemanesque vest than Captain Fred, but here it is.
Originally, I think he was going to be Captain Hook, but decided that a caveman vest would suit Captain Jack a little better, but what was done was done, and the curly mustache would just not wash off. He was also gonna paint on some sexy Sparrow Dead Man's Chest hair but decided thought it would look bad, so he just wore his finest diarrhea t-shirt.

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