Monday, July 31, 2006

Captain Jack Sparrow the Hun

Captain Jack Sparrometer: 4/10

Arrrr mateys! The Legend of Sparrow the Hun has been passed down verbally from generation to generation at the Pirates of The Caribbean booth at the Comic-Con. This is the first time it has ever been put into print....

A husky group of Elite Hun Ninjas stole Sparrow from his ship. At first he did not take to his captors kindly, singing anti-hun songs from Mulan and using vulgar euphemisms about his "cutlass". But soon, just as Paul Walker did in the Fast and the Furious before him, he became close friends with his enemies. The ruthless Huns even gave him honorary Hun armor making the only part of Sparrow the Hun's clothing that looked the least bit like Sparrow did in the movies his trusty compass.

Well there it is, my half baked excuse for why this Sparrow has such a terrible costume. I wonder if they have a popcorn shrimp booth at the Comic-Con......

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The Single Beard Roper

Captain Jack Sparrometer: 4/10

"Yo, yo, yo, I'm next to a cannon, in a dirty old castle. That makes me a bloodthirsty pirate, fools!"

Even more disturbing than his giant single beard rope, and the fact that he is wearing a sparkling golden cloth is the way that the single beard rope is seamlessly attached to his chin. Could he possibly be creepy enough to actually grow the beard rope? Well, he was creepy enough to make that costume and go pose next to a cannon so I'm betting 50 dubloons on yes.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

"Don't take my magic treasure!"

Captain Jack Sparrometer: 1/10

I pose this pirate question.

What would ye do if this Readbearded "Sparrow" with a red book sock on his head woke up in a drunken stupor and started shaking you screaming, "don't take my magic treasure, don't take my magic treasure or they'll send me to the locker room!"

I'd go get a treasure chest full of steaming popcorn shrimp.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


Ayy...mateys I would like to make a heartfelt apology to all ye bilge rats that check my site. For I was on a week long cruise of the Caribbean (pillaging and plundering included in the price, quite a nice deal, 300 gold dubloons.) But, I'm back now she goes.

By the way, check out this cursed tattoo this guy named 'Pirate Ted' gave me.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The Legendary Pirate of Long John Silver's

Captain Jack Sparrometer: 0.5/10

Jumpin' Jack Sparrow! I think this is that creepy guy that cleans the bathroom at Long John Silver's! I recommend all of you stay as far away as possible from this dude.

I mean, this dude has actually drawn on chest hair with a magic marker because he wasn't piratey enough to have it billowing out of his shirt. And what's with the beard ropes on a string, I sure hope he didn't get that at Long John Silver's too. I might have to give back my Golden Dubloon Member's Card. I could pick up some popcorn shrimp while I'm there.....

I just hope this guy has sailed far, far away from LJS's before I get there.

Monday, July 17, 2006

The Gyspy King

Jack Sparrometer: 4.5/10

"Ello!! I am Captain Jack! Velcome to my Annual Renaissance Fair!", is what the imposter said before Captain Jack's cutlass sliced off his double beard ropes. On second thought, I'm not sure that Captain Jack, or any seaworthy bilge rat would want to go anywhere near this guy or his Renaissance fair. He's simply...creepy...and greasy.....and his hands are a good five shades lighter than his face. Hey, look on the bright side, at least he's got the most fanciful black coat with Falcor from The Neverending Story on it that we have ever seen on this site.

By the way, he only got 3/10 instead of 1/10 because you can see a red pirate ship in the background. Yup, them pirate ships are worth 2 on the Sparrometer.

Fred Flinstone Vest 2: Electric Sparrow Boogaloo

Captain Jack Sparrometer: 1/10

Well folks, it looks like we've got a battle royale going on here between the two major factions of Bad Captain Jack Sparrow Costumery: The Queens of the Fred Flinstone Vest Age and The Gay Blue Vests. And it looks like the Freddy Boys might be pulling ahead in the worst costume department with this offering.

It never really crossed my shrimp filled mind that some salty dog could ever create a worse Jack Sparrow costume using a cavemanesque vest than Captain Fred, but here it is.
Originally, I think he was going to be Captain Hook, but decided that a caveman vest would suit Captain Jack a little better, but what was done was done, and the curly mustache would just not wash off. He was also gonna paint on some sexy Sparrow Dead Man's Chest hair but decided thought it would look bad, so he just wore his finest diarrhea t-shirt.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Captain of the S.S. Hot Topic

Captain Jack Sparrometer: 1/10

Although the picture quality is poor, I don't think what's wrong with this costume could be any clearer. No beard ropes, no beads, no part of the costume not bought at Hot Topic, NO Jack Sparrow.

Now some of ye that frequent Ye Olde Hot Topic might be feeling outraged at me, for not everyone that shops there necessarily would wear a Jack Sparrow costume of this quality, but I think I have come up with a scenario that explains how this monstrosity came about.....

Old Pilgrim Buckle was walking through the mall one day looking for a Jack Sparrow costume for the Vampire Lovefest Holloween Ball when he came upon his favorite store, Hot Topic. He went in hoping they had some PotC chain wallets or decorative wristbands, or maybe just a stupid Family Guy T-shirt, but he found so much more: Jack Sparrow dreadlocks complete with a red headband. Then he exclaimed, "this would go great with my Jack Skelington costme I bought here last year!"

Moral of the Story: Popcorn Shrimp

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Pirate of the Sparrometer: The Curse of the Blue Vest

Captain Jack Sparrometer: 5.5/10

By the double beard ropes on my chiny chiny chin! This Captain Jack deserves major double beard props for his Jack Sparrow array. He's got it down to the tiniest silver dubloon on his head cloth. Ay but don't think I've gotten soft on ye mateys!!!

What is with all the blue vests going around? I think this guy has been spending a little to much time on Gay Jack's special island, if ye know what I mean. And blue jeans! Any seaworthy bilge rat could tell you that Captain Jack doesn't wear jeans.

But, bilge rats aside, I wish I could preserve this Jack in fried popcorn shrimp batter so that future wanna-be Sparrows could see what it takes.

Well.....I guess we could do without the body since the head is the only good part. Blue vest?!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Nefarious Captain Redbeard...Black Mustache...Blonde Eyebrows?

Captain Jack Sparrometer: 2/10

I can already feel me stummy rumblin' and roarin' from looking at this....I can't even bring myself to call this thing a Captain Jack. This guy is like the Frankenstein of facial hair. And where in Davy Jones' locker are the red beard ropes coming from? Are they just growing straight out of his clean shaven can see the string.

Not fooling anybody.

I'm diggin' that blonde mullet in the back there....gotta get me one of those.......

Monday, July 10, 2006

Captain Jack Black Jacket

Captain Jack Sparrometer: 2/10

Ahhh...nothing says "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow" better than wearing an old purple and black wig that obviously goes to the witch costume this dude wore last year on Halloween. And I'm not entirely sure that the leather jacket and bandoleer are actually part of his costume since he looks pretty bad to the bone. I mean, don't all the tough guys from the wrong side of the block wear livestrong bracelets? Captain Jack would cut off this scurvy dogs' hand for that! One last thing to note, follow the chin strap beard from his sideburns...keep going....and boom! That is one bushy soul patch. At least he has the double beard ropes....even if they do look like antennas

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Captain Jackson 5

Captain Jack Sparrometer: a combined score of 4/1o

I've got a riddle for all ye that call yeselves pirates: What's worse than one bad Captain Jack Sparrow costume? Four bad Captain Jack Sparrow costumes and a fat medieval peasant with dreadlocks! Arrr har har. But seriously, Captain Jack Wino had the same score as these five scurvy dogs. At least dreadlocks has the double beard ropes. And what's with rest vest in the middle? This picture would make Davy Jones himself binge on a treasure Chest Family Meal of popcorn shrimp....

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Captain Jack Will Make You Gay Tonight

Captain Jack Sparrometer: 2/10

Captain Jack will make you gay tonight,
And take you to his special island,
Captain Jack will put on his blue velvet vest for you tonight,
And go back to pose in his old high schooool.......

From his shiny black shoes, to his ill-fitting hat this is by far the worst Captain Jack Sparrow this site has ever laid its grimy pirate hands on. Mmmm...I can smell the popcorn shrimp in the wind....

Friday, July 07, 2006

Captain Fred Flinstone

Captain Fred Flinstometer: 10/10

Arrr, this right here is a perfect specimen of Captain Fred. Check out the caveman mammoth fur vest, and...wait a minute these guys are supposed to look like Cap'n Jack!....arrr....I think this fatty would make a nice meal for some of my Jack Sparrow wanna-be eatin' sharks. It be the plank for you!

Is it just me or does Wilma look different these days?

Captain Jack Wino

Captain Jack Sparrometer: 4/10

It's very tough to judge this Sparrow, since this is my very first post and I have not seen enough Sparrows to give it a completely accurate score, but since I have seen the real Captain Jack, I am pretty sure that this guy is terrible. I mean, first of all he's missing the double-beaded chin beard ropes, and I think he's had a little too much grog so he has resorted to keeping his blubber in with a country style bbq tablecloth. And Pirates only drink rum or coke & rum unless the wine is out of a skull goblet from Party City anyway. This Jack Sparrow is a disgusting imposter. I'm gonna go to Long John Silver's and get me some popcorn shrimp. Arrrr.......

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